


The Boner Squad

by loonyloopyluna



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-11-28 17:26:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11422674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyloopyluna/pseuds/loonyloopyluna
Summary: Imagine, if you will, a different world. Oh, Phandalin still burns, but Barry J. Bluejeans does not burn with it.Tres Horny Boys are no more, and, in fact, never were. This is the story of four heroes: Taako, Merle, Magnus, and Barry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it would be boring for me to just reiterate exactly what happened in the podcast, we begin this scene in medias res, which, as you probably know, is Latin for “the shitstorm’s already started.” But it's not quite the shitstorm you remember.

Taako, Merle, Magnus, Barry, and Killian stood in a rough circle in the center of town, the scorchmarks of destruction littered around them. Everyone’s eyes were focused on Gundren Rockseeker, who suddenly found himself sprouting an arrow between his shoulderblades. His eyes aflame, he screamed incomprehensibly.

Killian muttered under her breath. “Fuck.”

Gundren was barely identifiable, now. Flames curled from his beard and shot out from his hands. “Who did this?” he roared, his voice distorted by rage and the magic coursing through his body.

Barry lifted a shaky hand and pointed at the hill behind him, over which the young boy who had shot him had just disappeared. Gundren whirled around, a massive jet of flames shooting out like an extension of his arm, a whip with a fiery fist at the end, and slammed it into the hilltop.

Killian shook her head rapidly, like she was trying to convince herself of what she was seeing. “Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Time to go.”

No one moved. Gundren was now just a faint, dwarf-shaped silhouette within a growing ball of fire, wisps of which went shooting out in all directions, cutting houses in two and setting trees afire. The air was growing unbearably hot.

“Come on!” Killian barked. She started running, still shouting over her shoulder at them. “Come on, you guys! Run!”

Barry shook his head, bringing himself out of a daze.  The proximity to the danger seemed to suddenly register with him, and he backpedalled furiously. He grabbed Merle’s arm and followed after Killian. “Boys! Let’s go!”

They followed, Magnus reluctantly. He kept craning his head to look back at the flaming dwarf. “What about all the other people? We have to save them!”

“No time!” Killian shouted back. She glanced around wildly; then, her eyes fell on something and her face brightened. She motioned for the others to follow her, turned sharply to her left, and shot towards the other end of the town square. She reached the lip of a well and peered over the edge briefly before fumbling for her feather duster. She tapped herself with it, fired four bolts at the others, and shouted, “Get in the well! Hurry!” before pitching herself over the edge.

They followed close behind, and tumbled comically slow down the long pit to the bottom of the well. And as they fell, they caught glimpses of the sky above them, growing redder and redder as if in a renewed sunset.

“Soft landing, at least,” Taako said.

“No, that’s—” Barry said, sounding muffled. “Taako, you landed on my butt.”

Taako looked down. Though he had landed comfortably, his companions weren’t nearly as lucky; they were sprawled in a messy dog pile in their cramped quarters. As Barry, Merle, and Magnus worked to untangle themselves and get to their feet, the sky above them exploded into flames. The roaring sound of whirling wind whistled across the top of the well, and heat blasted down at them, but they were safe. Killian had saved them.

The orc herself was sprawled on her stomach, motionless; her eyes were closed. Merle crept forward and, by the light of the fire above, examined her. She was still breathing, at least.

The carnage above stopped as quickly as it began, and the sudden silence was chilling. The five of them were suddenly thrown into blackness; it was a clear night, especially now that all the clouds had burned away, and the moon was full, but after the bright light from Gundren and the gauntlet, it seemed dark as pitch in the well.

Magnus exhaled forcefully. “Well, shit. What do we do now?”

“Getting out of this hole would be a start,” Merle suggested wryly. He was sitting on Killian’s back, now, leaning back against the rough cobblestone wall.

“Yeah?” Taako asked. “And how do you propose we do that, smart guy?”

Barry tilted his head back, peering through the aperture at the sky high above them. He staggered back a little, dizzy at the sight, and reached out a hand to catch himself. A stone protruding from the wall fit neatly into his hand, and he gazed at it in sudden revelation. “We could climb it.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of levitation or something,” Taako mumbled. “You know, magical means? I’ve had enough exertion for one day, thank you very much.”

“And what about Killian?” Merle asked. “We can’t just leave her down here.”

Barry squinted. “Is she even _alive_?”

“She’s just unconscious,” Merle replied. “Do you really think I’d be this relaxed on a dead body?”

“I don’t know,” Barry retorted. “I don't usually sit on people, Merle. It’s rude.”

“I said she was unconscious! And besides, it’s not like there’s a whole lot of space around here.”

“Well, now that Magnus is gone, you can have his spot,” Taako said.

“Magnus is—what?” Barry asked. “Where’d he go?”

“Up there.”

Taako pointed, and sure enough, Barry could see a dark shape backlit by the starry night sky, growing smaller and smaller as it inched ever higher and closer to the top.

“I thought you said climbing was a dumb idea,” Barry said.

“I did,” Taako agreed. “For me. But Magnus’ll do any dumb shit. He started going as soon as you brought it up.”

Merle spoke up. “Listen, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the short time I’ve known these two, it’s that Magnus does all the heavy lifting around here. So just sit back and—” A coil of rope curled down from above and landed at Taako’s feet. “See?” Merle said.

“Tie it around her first,” Magnus called down at them. “I’ll help you guys up.”

One by one, through various combinations of pulling and climbing, each of them made it out of the well. They slumped onto the warm, glassy ground, panting and exhausted.

A few yards away, a charred skeleton stretched one arm up to the sky. The gauntlet glinted dully in the moonlight.

“God _damn_ ,” Barry breathed. “That sure was… something.”

“Yeah, you ever see anything like that?” Taako reflected. “I mean, listen. I know a thing or two about magic, and that was some freaky shit.”

“I never thought he’d be capable of that,” Barry said honestly. “I mean, the guy was curmudgeonly, but to wipe out an entire town? Fuck. You think you know a guy…”

Magnus had been struggling to undo whatever convoluted knots Merle had used on the rope around Killian. “Hang on,” he said, looking up. “I thought you were a mercenary. Like, you were hired for this job. It’s not like you guys were friends.”

“Well, I mean, we weren’t close,” Barry said. “We knew each other, though. That’s probably what got me this job, to be honest. I mean, you guys know how Gundren is—was. It’s an important job, and he only really wanted to bring his buddies in on it. I mean, come on, Merle, you’re his _cousin_ , not some rando. Well, those two are, but not us.”

“Oh, so it was nepotism,” Magnus said. He finally undid the knot, and tossed the rope aside without a second glance. “Hey, Taako, come help me pick her pockets.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.” Taako picked his way around the other boys, knelt down, and began to rifle through Killian’s jacket. “By the way,” he added as an afterthought. “Stay away from the gauntlet. Something about that shit isn’t right. I was going to grab it, but I think it _wanted_ that, and fuck if I’m going to let a glove boss me around. I mean, don’t let me tell you how to live your life, my dudes, but I’d steer clear.”

“Yeah, okay. But again, she’s not dead,” Merle protested. He started to walk forward. “I could probably heal her, and we can figure out what the hell is actually going on.”

Barry put his hand on Merle’s chest, stopping him from getting closer. “Now, hold on. She’s probably got weapons and stuff. If we’re gonna talk, we’re gonna want the upper hand.”

Killian didn’t have much on her; all that Magnus and Taako scrounged up were her crossbow, a few bolts, the magic feather duster, and her robot-animating remote control.

Magnus laid them out in front of him. “See, what I don’t get is,” he said slowly. “What was she planning on doing once she got the gauntlet? I mean, she doesn’t have anything to carry it. Was she going to put it on? I don’t buy that. I mean, she seems to have some kind of idea of what was going on, and she’s gotta know that wouldn’t be smart.”

“Yeah, and we saw how well putting it on worked for Gundro,” Merle said. A laugh slipped out before he could stop himself.

“I thought his name was Gundren,” Taako said suspiciously.

“You ever hear of a nickname?”

“Just saying, you don’t seem all that broken up about this.”

“I’ll cry later, when we’ve got the time, all right? Right now I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is happening, since a bunch of people are dead now, and we still have no clue what this thing even is!”

Barry held up his hands. “Boys, come on, please? I’ve had a long day. Merle’s right. We need answers.”

“Oh, _you’ve_ had a long day?” Magnus said bemusedly. “I’ve literally lost count of how many life-threatening situations I’ve been in in the past 24 hours.”

Barry frowned, but bit back whatever retort he was preparing. “You’re right. This isn’t a contest. We’re all tired.” He turned to Taako. “So, uh, hey. Magic guy. Is there anything special about her stuff? Any enchantments or anything?”

Taako shrugged. “We’ve really got nothing to worry about. She’s got a fancy bracelet on, but it doesn’t do anything. This remote thing won’t work, since there’s jack shit around for it to control, so she can’t use that. This feather duster’s pretty much harmless. I mean, it’s enchanted, but with feather fall, which is basically just how we didn’t die falling down a sixty-foot well.”

“Didn’t seem to work out so well for her,” Merle reflected.

Magnus frowned. “Well, that’s probably more of a result of having four people land on her.”

“Yeah,” Barry agreed. “Listen, Merle. Why don’t you wake her up? I thought maybe you boys would know something about this gauntlet, since you were with Gundren when he picked it up, but if you haven’t got a clue, either, we might as well talk to someone who maybe does.”

“She might not be too willing to talk if she wakes up and realizes we’ve stolen all her stuff,” Merle said pointedly.

Taako meekly slid the feather duster and the remote back into her pockets, but Magnus held on tight to the crossbow. “We should tie her up, too,” he said gruffly.

Magnus handed Barry the crossbow and chased after the rope he had discarded. His feet slipped around on the flat, glass surface, and it was ridiculously comical in contrast to the carnage it hid. He came back and, with Merle’s help, pulled Killian into a sitting position. He snaked the rope between her wrists a few times, then between her ankles, then back between her wrists, tying the ends off in an unnecessarily elaborate knot.

Magnus nodded at Merle. “You can fix her up, now.”

“Gee, thanks for the permission.” Merle puttered around, muttering healing oaths intermingled with curse words underneath his breath. Killian’s eyelids fluttered open.

“Wha…?” Her eyes focused on the dire scene around her, and she grimaced. “Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where’s the gauntlet?”

Barry jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Gundren’s burnt skeleton. Killian’s eyes widened.

“You mean, none of you have tried to grab it? H-how? That shit’s, like, _really_ powerful.”

“Yeah, I’m super dumb,” Taako said. “Listen, we need to talk, though. I mean, some kind of warning might have been nice.”

Killian sighed. “Look, I already told you guys. I literally cannot tell you. I don’t know what about that is unclear—”

“I mean, you could try,” Barry interrupted.

She squinted at him. “Who are you, again? You weren’t in the cave earlier.”

“My name’s Barry Bluejeans. Could you explain what the fuck just happened?”

Killian sighed in resignation. “Fine.” She cleared her throat and hesistated for a moment, then began again. “I work for t̬̦̫̬̪̅͆̏͗͌͜h̭̭̘͍̦͚̑̇ͤe̩͖͔͍̲͚̽̏̓̇ͣ͘ͅ ̡́ͪ̐ͨ̔B͔͓̜̳̼ͣu͓͎̰̫͕̔r̞͍̝͕̗̞e͍̱̺̰̲̋ͪ̊ͪ̑ͩ͠ả̢̭̲̀̄̏u͔̜̭̝͉͆̿ͫ̅ ̛̹̽̾̋̿͆o̤̝̬f͈̈̂ͤͧ ̴̟͍̩̘ͦ̓ͦ̅̾͑̚B̭͇͖̻̪̱͙̾̇ͯͦ͘ḁ̈́̉̽ͧ̚l͈̮̝̭͔a̯͈̟̞̠͙ͧͧ̿͂n̨̪͙̟̩͖͛͒ͨͤc̾ͪͦ̒͋ͭ͛͞ẹ̟͖̳̪͈. That thing over there is o̳̼̲ͤ͊n̶̟̯̆̾̌̎ͬ̃e̡̒ ̗̩̹̰͕̪͌̕o͇̣̲̳͊f̙̰̱͈̐͟ ͕̣̣̘̗̓͋̆̃̇t̷̜̝̝͚̯̮͍ͮ̾͊ͫḣ̵̲͙ͩe̞̭̼ ̷̭ͫ͆̈ͩ͆G̡̜̻͙̻̑̍ͤ̅͑̀r̨͍͓̠̠͔̪͐̓̂ͪ̈́̅ͮa̘̪͓̹̲͒͑̂ͧ̇n̦ͪ̅͛͠d̝͍͓ͪͭ̓ ̗͕͔̯͋ͧ̀́ͦR̞̩̤̠̓̽͐̀̓̈͗͡ȩ͖͓̖̹ľ̲͕̪̪̮̈ͦͮ͜i͙̩̪͚͎ͫ̒̓͂̔̒͒ͅc̹̱͙̰s̰̰̹̻͗̽̊̓̾,̇̅ͩͦ̇͏̬̥̯ ͕̹̻̓̏͆͊͐̔͜t͎ͬ̅ͦ̽ͣ̊̍͞h͉͚ͪ̍ͯ͆̏ͬ͜ë̷̺̮̦́͂ ̉P̒ͣͬ͌ͨ̿̚h̪͎͙̪͂̓ͥ̏͢ǒ̱́̑̎̚ê͉̥̙͇͍̥ͥ̆͞ṇ̟̮̊̾̽̊͑ͬ̚i͓̺͎̰̲͋ͬ͊ͦͩx̭̘̩̻̥͋͌f̧̻͎̱̫̾̔̔͛͂i̢̦̱̱̭̫̯ͧͅr̛̝̘̪ͥ͌̃̈́ͫ͑e͙̙͖̫̒̾̎ͫ̆̔ ̧̮̭̳̼͎͎͙ͮ̄ͣͩͨ̽G̞̐͑aͮ͑ͦͭ̌u̞̱̭̩̰̳̍͘n̞̯̭̖̦t̛͓͚̦̗l͈ͭ̋͗͗̊ͫ̚ë͎̰ͤ̄̑̏̐t̤̖͙̰̟̯̖̽ͮ̉̈̿͜.  " She barked out a laugh. "And your buddy Gundren was a fucking idiot.”

Magnus snorted. “No kidding.”

“And he was orc racist,” Taako piped up. “No, but seriously, couldn’t you, like, draw us a picture? A pantomime, maybe? Or, hell, not even going into specifics, you could have warned us that we shouldn’t let the angry dwarf touch that thing, or he’d set the entire goddamn town on fire?”

“Yeah, it seems to me you could have probably tried a little harder,” Merle said.

“Hold on, you knew this would happen?” Barry asked. He swiveled around to stare at his companions. “You boys knew about this, too?”

“I mean, _kind of_ ,” Magnus said. “Killian here was really the one that kept talking about all the danger and shit that was going to happen. So, really, if you think about it, this whole Phandalin thing is her fault.”

“Uh, hang on,” Killian protested. “Who actually let him touch the goddamn thing?”

“It’s a little late now to start playing the blame game—” Merle began

“It’s _never_ too late,” Taako interjected.

“—but I think everyone should just take a nice, deep breath, so we can calm down and talk this out.”

“Could one of you untie me, too, maybe?” Killian asked. “I’m getting kind of an interrogation vibe here, which isn’t great, especially with that thing behind you guys.”

Magnus stepped forward and swung his axe towards her; she flinched, but he simply sliced through the thick knots he’d created, and the rope fell away to the ground. She stood up, stretched, shook her head a few times to clear it, and turned to Barry.

“I’m keeping the crossbow,” he stated.

“I—” Killian looked around at the others for support, but their expressions were grave. She cleared her throat and spoke slowly. “Okay, okay, that’s fine. Listen, I’ll bring you guys with me, and you can learn everything you need to know, but for now, all I can tell you is that that thing”—she pointed at the gauntlet—“is really dangerous, as you’ve now seen firsthand, and I work for a group of people that can help get rid of it for good.” She looked at each of their faces expectantly.

Taako shrugged. “Hey, sounds good to me.”

“Yeah, I’m with Taako,” Barry said. “Really, I’m good with anything that gets us out of here. All this glass stuff is… eerie.”

“Definitely,” Merle agreed.

Magnus looked between the others for a moment, scratching his chin. “Okay, fine,” he relented. “But how do we get it out of here? I mean, is there a way to touch it without going super saiyan?”

Killian had already begun tapping at her bracer, which flashed with yellow light a few times before gleaming blue. She brightened and looked up at Magnus. “Oh, that’s easy. If you’ve already resisted its thrall, you should be good to touch it and stuff. Just don’t put it on or anything, or I _will_ have to kill you.”

“That’s my cue,” Taako said, walking over to the gauntlet again. “These fools haven’t done a thing.” He plucked the glove from the remains of Gundren’s arm, and his skeleton crumbled, leaving a small pile of black ash on the otherwise featureless black glass.

Killian, meanwhile, was pointing at a spot a few yards away, tapping on her bracer with her right hand. She spoke over her shoulder at them. “Alright, shit’s weird now, and it’s gonna get weirder in a bit, but then everything will make sense. Well, probably. I guess we’ll see.”

She dropped her hands and turned back to them. “It’ll just be a minute, now. Uh, this is awkward. What are your names, again? You’re Barry, I know that.” she said, pointing at him.

Taako looked up from his bag, where he was struggling to fit the gauntlet in among the other loot he’d gathered over the past few days. “I’m Taako. You’ve probably heard of me.”

Killian frowned. “Hmm. Nope.”

“I’m Merle Highchurch,” Merle rasped. He cleared his throat. “Sorry. I thought that might make me sound cool, but that actually really hurts.”

“Kind of just sounded like you got something stuck in your throat,” Barry commented.

Magnus puffed his chest out. “I’m Magnus Burnsides, but my friends call me ‘the Hammer.’”

“What? No, we don’t,” Taako said.

“Well, then, maybe you guys aren’t my friends.” Magnus shrugged.

“Hold on,” Merle protested. “What about that cave? I thought we bonded in there.” He leaned in towards Barry. “Man, you should have come with us. We had a _lot_ of time to talk about stuff. I think we told some stories, Magnus showed us some of his porn, and there were these really tasty mushrooms—”

“Super good,” Magnus agreed.

“I stole a lot of cool shit,” Taako chimed in.

Barry looked up slowly and shared a silent look of discomfort and mild horror with Killian. The other three seemed to be fondly reminiscing the experience, despite the fact that it had happened less than a day beforehand, and she shrugged.

“I mean, if that’s your guys’ thing, I guess…” She trailed off, turned around, and squinted at the sky behind her. “Oh, here it comes. Watch yourself.”

They could see a black speck hurtling towards them through the clear night, and with a sudden and deafening crash, a large glass orb slammed into the ground near them. Killian headed toward it, and the others followed.

She cracked open a hatch on the orb’s side, and it opened up to reveal a surprisingly spacious interior, with four seats with safety harnesses in its center.

Killian climbed in. “Come on.”

“Shotgun!” Magnus yelled, scrambling through close after.

Taako paused in the opening, glancing around suspiciously. He didn’t seem to take stock of anything too dangerous, as he shrugged and got in after a few seconds.

“Hang on,” Barry said. “There’s not enough seats. There’s five of us.”

Killian looked around. “Oh. Huh.”

“That’s all right,” Magnus said. “Merle can sit in my lap.”

Merle eagerly pushed Barry out of the way. “ _Hell_ yeah!”

With that solved, Barry got in, tugging the hatch shut behind him. As he settled into his seat, Killian pulled a lever next to her. A hot air balloon billowed from the top of the ball, and they began to rise, gaining speed and altitude at equal rates. Barry gripped his armrests.

Killian turned in her seat and grinned back at everyone. “This is the point where shit’s officially getting weirder. Hold onto your butts, guys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [yo check me out on tumblr too](http://chatchevalier.tumblr.com)
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> the next chapter's probably going to be pretty short tbh, since not a lot is going to change with regards to the earlier arcs, so expect that soon.


	2. Chapter 2

First, he’d been beaten to shit and nearly died; really, he was saved by sheer dumb luck and a group of strangers. Then, he’d barely had time to recover from that before almost dying _again_ , and after getting pulled out of the fire by the scruff of his neck, barely survived the destruction of an entire town. After that, he’d been literally flown to the moon, which was a concept he still struggled to grasp. Even after drinking whatever was in that fish poop-laced water and suddenly remembering an additional _assload_ of destruction and devastation and war that had been collectively wiped from the planet’s memory, he hadn’t adjusted to the motion sickness of being on the _literal moon_.

Barry was having a really rough week.

The last thing he remembered was meeting the director of this new agency he had accidentally joined. She had asked him and his compatriots to decide amongst themselves who was the strongest, who was the bravest, who was the smartest, and who was the quickest.

And then he blacked out. It was probably because of the stupid migraine that had been growing behind his eyes.

When he blinked, though, he realized things might have been worse than he thought. His vision cleared, and his eyes adjusted to the light, and he realized he was in a small room, more of a closet, really, with a large window overtaking one wall, and a table laid out just underneath it. Next to Barry was the burly guard they’d met earlier, when they first arrived on the moon.

Barry stood up, clutching at his head. The guard broke from his stiff posture, giving him an easy smile. “Hey, man. So, let me tell you how things are gonna go.”

He walked over to the table by the window, and Barry followed. Up close, he could see that one half was covered in a number of dials, built directly into the tabletop. An intricate, labyrinthine map was painted onto the table’s other half.

The guard pointed at the map. “That there is how things are out on the floor,” he explained. “That’s a map of the arena. These blue lines, here, are what you control. You know those invisible fences dog owners have sometimes? It works kind of like that. Those dials let you deactivate a section of it, because your job here is to make sure none of the boys out there get shocked. You can only shut down one section at a time, and one section has to be deactivated at all times. If you try to trip the whole floor at once, it’ll probably explode or something. I don’t know. Just don’t do it.” He clapped Barry on the shoulder. “Sound good?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Barry said. “This doesn’t seem that hard, though.”

“Yeah, well, look out the window.”

He did. It gave him a little bit of vertigo, because he had to have been at least a fifty feet up. It was a sheer drop down the wall, and he looked straight down onto the floor of what looked to be a gladiator’s arena. About halfway down, a glass skywalk cut across the arena, and he saw Magnus scrambling to his feet. On the ground directly below him, he could just barely see the nose of some kind of cannon. And in the center of the floor, practically illuminated in spotlights, stood everyone’s favorite idiot, Taako.

Barry looked back at the guard. “I don't get it. What's the big deal?”

He held a finger to his lips. “Wait for it.”

Barry waited. After a full minute of uncomfortable silence, three ogres of varying sizes sauntered out onto the arena floor. The guard rubbed his hands together excitedly.

“This is the cool part. You ready?” He didn’t wait for Barry to answer. “So, these black lines on the map here divide the fence up into its sections. These dials are paired up, and each set of dials corresponds to the section that an ogre is currently in. Now, see how the ogres have gems on them? Whenever Taako gets a gem, the polarity on the dials is going to be switched, so whichever dial turned off the field is going to turn it on, and vice versa. Once an ogre dies, both of its dials become linked to this room. With me so far?”

Barry nodded uncertainly.

“Great,” the guard said. “You don’t want to let the boys out there, or yourself, for that matter, get shocked, because it’ll knock you out for a few seconds and you won’t be able to move. Now, down on that catwalk, Magnus is guarding a big red button. If that button gets pressed, the whole grid gets reset, and the dials get reassigned.”

“This seems unnecessarily complicated,” Barry pointed out.

“Hey, man, welcome to the B.O.B,” the guard chuckled.

“I guess,” Barry snorted. “Hey, uh, what’s your name, again?”

“Avi. And, you’re…?”

“Barry Bluejeans.”

“Well, Barry Bluejeans, looks like the game’s started,” Avi commented, pointing. “So, uh, I’m out of here. Try not to let your boys die, all right?”

* * *

Somehow, all four of them managed to make it through the test alive, with only minor electrical burns. After their official initiation, however, Barry raised his hand.

“Any other non-terrible questions?” the director was saying. “Yes, Barry, what is it?”

“Yeah, um…” Barry scratched at his neck. He didn’t normally get stage fright, but he could feel the full weight of the room’s stares on his back. Based on his company, he was sure they expected him to say something heroic and badass, and not, “All due respect, Director, but I don’t think I should be a reclaimer.”

The director folded her hands. “And why is that?” she asked patiently.

He blinked. “Uh, I didn’t really… do anything?”

“Nah, man, you killed that puzzle!” Avi yelled from along the back wall of the director’s chambers.

“Okay, but--”

“And from what I understand, you resisted the thrall of one of the Grand Relics, which is no small feat,” the director reminded him.

Taako hummed. “Well, I don’t want to get on this Barry-bashing pile, but _technically_ I was the only one who even got close enough to the gauntlet to get under its thrall, much less get out of it. Like, you’re a cool dude, Barry, and I don’t want you to sell yourself short here, but let’s remember that I did the impressive stuff.”

Magnus elbowed him in the side and muttered, “You’re not helping.”

But Barry pointed at Taako and nodded. “He’s got a point. Listen, I really didn’t do squat on this one. I got kidnapped by some goblins, and ended up here because of those guys, and some sheer dumb luck. I don’t know where this goddamn glove even came from. Look, I’m just a mercenary, and not a very good one, apparently. I’m not going to bring anything valuable to your agency, here. Just let me go home. I was--well, I was based out near Phandalin, but I guess I’ll have to start somewhere else, now. My point is, I’m not willing to risk my ass, and I’ll only slow you boys down.”

The director frowned, and he could hear people begin to awkwardly shuffle out of the room, but it was a little late for privacy, now.

“Mr. Bluejeans,” she said firmly; then, more gently, “Barry. You understand we can’t just un-innoculate people. And you did pass our test of initiation.”

“Well, yeah,” Barry said. “Maybe I could just do something else, then? Like, what was that seeker thing?”

“But Barry, you’re a fighter,” Magnus interrupted. “Listen, I know the life you’re used to. You’ll go crazy just sitting around inside all day, reading books and not _doing_ anything.”

“That actually sounds pretty great to me,” Barry said. “Magnus, you know as well as I do that, in our line of work, experience can be a bad thing. Hell, I’ve been at this for a decade, and I’m surprised I’ve made it this long. I’ve taken so many hits to the head I’ve lost count of how many concussions I’ve gotten, and my memory’s about as good as Swiss cheese. I think now’s as good a time as any to retire.”

The director stood up suddenly from her throne and descended the dais so she was level with them. She gave them a tight, tired smile.

“For now, I believe the most important thing is that you acclimate to your new duties and your new jobs,” she said. “Your next mission won’t be for a while, and you will all have plenty of time to train before then. Barry, we can revisit this subject later, but for now, you boys will have to excuse me.” She swept past them and disappeared through a small door behind her throne, which closed behind her with a definitive and solid _click_.

Magnus pulled out his robot arms and put one on Taako’s shoulder and one on Barry’s. “Come on, guys! I want to actually buy some shit.”

* * *

They spent the next month getting used to things, and Barry realized there was a lot more to the Bureau than he’d originally guessed. For one thing, he felt like he was back at college, and wasn’t sure how to feel about _that_. The four of them were assigned a dorm to share, and it somehow managed to smell like old cheese, dirty socks, and weed before they’d even moved in.

After the test of initiation, Barry spent a full twenty hours in bed, riding out a bout of motion sickness, but the next morning, it had disappeared without a trace, and he began to explore this moon base they now called home. They were allowed a surprising amount of freedom between missions, as long as it could be classified as “training.” Barry often saw Magnus and Avi lifting weights together, and ran into Taako in the library, but more often, in the kitchen. He didn’t even want to know what Merle got up to.

Barry became an unofficial seeker in those few weeks, with the reasoning that he could be most prepared in every situation if he knew exactly what was coming. That had always helped him in his mercenary days. He made fewer and fewer trips to the gym, and began studying magic, instead. To his delight, it came to him easily. He started to be extremely glad that the director had stayed his decision to leave. He might be able to do this reclaimer thing, after all.

Their next mission came far too soon and far too unexpectedly.

When the intercom roused them at three in the morning, Barry had only gotten an hour’s sleep. He might have successfully ignored the summons, if Magnus hadn’t kicked his bed, causing his top bunk to wobble outrageously.

“Barrold, wake up. The director wants to see us.”

The four sleepiest boys on the moon made quite a sight as they made their way to the director’s office. If she was surprised at the sight of them traipsing around in their pajamas, she did an excellent job of restraining it, and went right down to business.

She was probably saying something important, but Barry found himself drifting off throughout her briefing. He woke with a start to hear her calling his name repeatedly.

“Oh. Uh, sorry, Director,” he said sheepishly.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Barry, just-- What is your answer? Do you still wish to be reassigned? This would be the time to step out.”

“I don’t even know,” Barry said faintly, stifling a yawn. “I mean, if there’s a chance I can sit this one out, then yes, I am one hundred percent for that, but I also don’t like the idea of those relics being out there.”

“None of us do, man,” Merle grumbled. “I’m pretty sure that’s, like, the entire reason we’re here.”

Barry nodded. “That’s true. I know. I want to do something to help you boys out, but I barely got any sleep, and I’ve picked up a few shifts at the Fantasy Costco, and I don’t know if I can move my schedule around--”

“God, we don’t need your life’s story,” Taako interrupted. “Just make up your fucking mind already.”

“Come on, Barry,” Magnus said, clapping him on the shoulder. “What does your heart tell you? Remember last time, when you chickened out and missed out on an awesome spider fight? Do you really want to do that again?”

“I mean, it wasn’t all fun and games,” Taako mumbled. “I did almost die.”

Barry pointed at Taako. “See, that’s my problem. As much as I’d love to go out and do a bunch of heroic shit, there’s this little voice in the back of my brain telling me not to let myself get _killed_. I honestly don’t know what happened to yours. I mean, I hung back last time, and I’m still alive.” He turned to the director apologetically. “I’m just not ready yet, Director. I’m sorry. I--I’ve got a couple ideas, but until they’re ready, I think it’s best if I stay behind.”

“Aw, come on,” Merle protested, but Taako cut across him.

“Whatever. See you later, then.” He pushed Barry away from him and turned pointedly back to the director. She made eye contact with Barry over Taako’s head and nodded slightly, looking over at the door, and back at him.

He shrugged at Magnus, who was now the only one not ignoring him. “Uh, have fun, I guess? Bring me something cool. Stay… safe?”

Taako cleared his throat impatiently, and Barry sidled out of the room. He needed to go back to sleep, for sure.

When the others returned, later that afternoon, Barry couldn’t help but feel gratified in some way that he’d stayed behind. They all looked like they’d been dragged behind a train for a mile or two, although they seemed cheerful enough. Taako’s bag jingled louder than Candlenights sleigh bells.

They came back to their shared room and collapsed on their respective bunks, and Magnus dug into his pack. He threw a can at Barry’s head. “Here’s your souvenir. We stole these from a kid.”

Barry caught it, and looked at the label. It was a snack pack of sour cream and onion Pringles. A single tear fell from his eye.

“Thanks, boys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, I really don't want to just transcribe what happened in the podcast but Exposition is Necessary so I can't just skip over this stuff altogether :/ sorry about this vague-ass chapter; I promise things are going to pick up soon.
> 
> trust me though, the next arcs are going to be _sick_. I spent last week planning stuff out instead of actually writing this chapter. I'm really excited for stuff to get going, and I hope you guys are, too!  <3
> 
> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://chatchevalier.tumblr.com).


	3. Chapter 3

In the course of what Barry’s roommates began referring to as his midlife crisis, he spent a lot of time researching the Grand Relics, using anything he could get his hands on in the Bureau of Balance's expansive library. His own memory of the Relic Wars was spotty; as far as he could remember, he’d lost friends in the calamity, but he hadn’t known much about the relics before the voidfish had made him forget. Then, like now, he had worked to mitigate and avoid disaster. So he turned to the books.

And though everyone knew, of course, about the immense power these objects contained, most people knew very little about them. Until the Phandalin disaster, and the more recent debacle in Rockport, the majority of the Bureau members didn't know the details of a single relic. Of the ones still in the wild, hardly any information was available.

This was, ostensibly, to curb temptation and keep sensitive information classified and out of the reach of anyone who didn't need to know. The Bureau was built on paranoia. As a result, most operated against the vague, shadowy idea of “powerful and evil magicks.” It was dangerous to make it easy to learn any more.

But still, Barry was unsatisfied, and with so much time suddenly on his hands, he began delving deeper.

He had already somewhat become ingratiated with the scholars and seekers that lived on base, and through their research and notes and theories, Barry picked up more information than he was probably supposed to have.

He was examining some of these notes one day when the director came into the library and, seeing him, approached with an amicable smile.

“Barry! Do you mind if I join you?” she asked.

He shifted some of his papers around to clear a spot on the table and gestured towards the open chairs. “No, please.”

She took a seat opposite him and folded her hands together, looking him over appraisingly. “What have you been up to?”

“Uh, mostly just… reading,” Barry said lamely.

But the director looked intrigued. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” he continued. “Uh, trying to figure out whatever I can about the relics, I guess. There’s not a lot of history on them, to be honest, and most of the firsthand accounts out there aren’t all that…”

“Lucid?” the director suggested. 

“Heh. Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wondering if he should--or was allowed to--ask the question that had been bothering him.

But the director seemed attuned to his anxiety, and asked, “What’s on your mind, Barry?”

“Well, you see, Madam Director, I’ve been wondering,” he began, trying not to seem guilty or suspicious. “I’ve been… uh, poking around in here a lot lately, but there isn’t a lot of information about  _ where _ these relics came from. I mean, how can we be sure that there’s even seven? All the writings seem to indicate that there’s one relic for each school of magic, but there’s eight of those. What if the red robes are out there somewhere with a secret eighth relic?”

A hint of amusement played about her features. It didn’t  _ unnerve _ him, per se, but it was a surprising change from her usual stoic, serene demeanor. “I don’t think you need to worry about that,” she assured him.

He frowned. “Uh, I mean, it seems like it’s a pretty big possibility we’re overlooking.”

The director shook her head. “I think you may have misunderstood what you read. There are seven relics, yes, because there were only seven red robes. Their purpose, from what I understand, wasn’t specifically to make one item for each school, but it just happened that each of them chose a different type of magic for each relic.” She gave him a small smile. “I can say with utmost certainty that there is no secret relic. With the intense, magical thrall these items give out, there’s no way it could possibly have remained a secret during the Relic Wars.”

Barry relaxed in his seat. “Oh. Well, that’s good, I guess. It’s still kind of frustrating that we don’t know more about the order that created them. How did you know there were only seven members? I’ve barely found anything in my reading. Maybe if we knew more about them, and why they made the relics, we might find some way to--”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” the director interrupted firmly. “There is no way to use these relics for good, Barry. Anyone who has tried in the past has been corrupted by their power. Surely you know that, if you’ve been studying their history. We have a way to destroy already, and honestly, I don’t believe that studying them further is necessary. They’re too dangerous.” 

Her expression had become increasingly more grave, and when she caught sight of the unsettled look on Barry’s face, she softened slightly. “These relics might once have been intended for good, but there is simply no way that can happen. They  _ have _ to be destroyed, and there’s no use dwelling on what they might do. It will always end badly.”

“Then, what do the seekers do?” he asked. “Maybe I’m a little confused, but I thought that was their job?”

“Well, in a way,” the director said slowly. “They study the relics to be able to anticipate what damages might occur when these items inevitably turn up again. It’s a necessary evil, I suppose. But the seekers generally don’t collect hypotheses on the potentials of the relics. That would be pointless at best, and foolhardy at worst. The relics are rather predictable, and their jobs generally involve collecting previous data and comparing it to current events to find the relics in real time. We have a system of checks inside the seeker hierarchy from preventing anyone from knowing too much about one relic." Her gaze flicked away from him for a moment. "In the past, we have had seekers who did their jobs a little too well, who eventually went rogue and sought to collect a relic for themselves. I don’t know if you fully appreciate the influence even one of these objects can have. I don’t like keeping people in the dark, but it’s the only way to keep everyone safe.”  She frowned. “Why? Has one of the seekers you’ve been talking to been doing something different?”

“No,” he said hurriedly. “I mean, I’ve kind of been keeping to myself, mostly. I guess that explains the stuff I’ve found--or, not found, really. You guys have more of a shoot-first, ask-questions-later approach than I thought.”

“Or ask questions never,” the director agreed. “Believe me, I’d love to be able to study them and find a way to use them for good, or at the very least, figure out a way they might exist without causing mass destruction. But giving them even a second thought it much too dangerous. They’re too…” she searched for the right word for a moment, and smirked. “They’re too craveable.”

“I see,” Barry said. He wondered if he should ask about something else that had bothered him, but he knew the director was probably already suspicious of the questions he’d already asked. He really wasn’t trying to do anything wrong, but, well--if he were running the Bureau, he’d do things very differently.

He decided to ask, anyway. “Off the topics of relics,” he continued. “I can’t help but notice that a part of your library is… lacking.”

The director raised an eyebrow coolly. “Oh?”

“Uh, yeah,” Barry adjusted his glasses nervously. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s an incredible collection. But there’s hardly anything about necromancy.”

“Well, Barry, in case you haven’t picked up on it, we’re not too big on magic here at the Bureau,” the director said tightly. “It is necessary, of course, to study these things in order to deal with the relics, but again, too much power can be incredibly dangerous.”

“Right,” he replied uneasily. “But, what about the necromantic relic? I mean, even if it doesn’t exist, it seems… unwise to rule it out entirely.”

“Oh, we don’t have to worry about that,” the director laughed. “We already know where that particular relic is.”

Barry stared blankly at her. “We do?”

She nodded grimly. “Of course. It was one of the first relics I attempted to reclaim, and through my failure in that attempt, I began to form this organization.”

“Th-then, why haven’t you sent anyone after it?” he asked.

“Because it’s incredibly dangerous,” she answered. “I just barely managed to make it out alive. The relic itself poses less of a threat than the obstacles our seekers must face to reach it. Necromancy is already a dangerous school, mainly studied by dark wizards and warlocks for nefarious purposes, but in that relic’s case, the seekers’ physical limits are the ones often put to the test." She shrugged. "We have no resources on necromancy because we have no need of them.”

Barry narrowed his eyes and wet his lips for a moment, but he was unable to restrain himself. “You can’t seriously expect that the only way to win this fight and collect all the relics is to fight  _ fairly _ ,” he said. The director started, and looked at him sharply, but he wasn’t cowed. “Look, Director, no offence, but from what I’ve seen, this isn’t a clean fight. No wonder it’s been so tough to collect the relics if everyone’s too scared to step out of line and even attempt something risky.”

The director looked at him, aghast. “I would say that’s an oversimplification,” she argued. “Our job is to make this world safer, and part of that entails making sure nothing we do endangers anyone.”

“So, Phandalin…” Barry began.

“Was a tragedy,” she finished, “but out of our control. It’s  _ exactly _ the thing we are trying to contain. If we fight fire with fire, Barry, the whole world burns up.”

Barry sensed it was fruitless to continue to argue, so he nodded and said abashedly, “Of course, Madam Director. I’m sorry for asking. I guess I’m still trying to get used to things.”

She scrutinized him in silence for a long time, and he got the feeling she was trying to see if he posed a danger to her. In this new world he suddenly remembered, and just when he grew tired of hanging back, curiosity was apparently not rewarded.

* * *

The Midsummer Carnival came soon, and though Magnus, Merle, Taako, and Barry planned to go together, they each kept their costumes secret. Barry hadn’t been planning to dress up, but when Merle began making a big deal over the construction of his, the others decided to make it into a whole production, so he was left scrambling at the last minute to put something together. They met up towards the middle of the carnival, between the food tents and the game alley, and watched the other Bureau members mill about in their costumes.

The director stopped in her tracks as she passed.

“Barry,” she asked, mouth agape. “What  _ are  _ you wearing?”

Barry looked down at his costume dumbly and gestured down his form, crimson sleeves billowing. “I’m one of the bad guys,” he said. “Isn’t it obvious? You know, red robes.”

“Well, that’s just in bad taste,” Taako mumbled.

“What, seriously?” Barry asked incredulously. Everyone did look extremely serious.

“Merle’s a drag queen octopus, Taako’s some kind of goth nerd, and Magnus is just wearing someone else’s clothes,” he continued, “but  _ I’m  _ the one with a shitty costume?”

“I’m Taako!” Magnus said in exasperation. “I’m literally wearing his clothing.”

“And it’s a little too small for you, bud,” Merle chuckled.

“If you rip anything,” Taako warned, “you’re buying me and entirely new wardrobe.”

The director, still gray-faced, smiled tensely at Barry. “Just… maybe keep your hood down. Make sure people can actually see that it’s you. We don’t want people to get the wrong idea, all right?”

“I feel like you should have a little more faith in your security, Madam Director,” Magnus said.

Barry nodded, still upset at being singled out. “Yeah, it’s pretty difficult to get onto the moon in the first place.”

“Well, it’s Midsummer,” the director said shortly. “Everyone’s wearing costumes. Anyone could sneak in.” She cleared her throat and looked sternly at them. “I’m not going to ask you to change, Barry, because that would ruin the spirit of the holiday, but I am going to... _ recommend _ that you have an ounce of foresight the next time something like this happens. Taako’s right. It’s simply in bad taste.”

As she walked away, Taako bragged, “See? I’m right.”

Barry patted his shoulder. “Yeah, enjoy that feeling while it lasts. It’s not going to come around very often.”

Merle was still watching the director’s retreating figure with some amusement. “Man,” he snorted. “You’re really on her shit list. What did you do?”

Barry shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know, man. Half the time I’m just trying to figure out what the hell is going on.”

“I think you’ve gotta learn to just roll with it,” Merle advised sagely, but it was hard to take him seriously with two paper mâché eels bobbing from his shoulders.

As they continued walking, they came across an area that had been cleared to make way for a dance floor. Off to the side stood Johann, fiddling away, while a handful of people swayed tipsily. Merle rushed out to claim the floor, carving a path with his flailing limbs, and Taako looked across at Johann appreciatively. “Now,  _ that’s _ a costume.”

Johann was wearing a black tunic tucked into a pair of black pantaloons, both of which were studded with a rainbow of rhinestones. He wore a tattered cape that had been dyed in swirls of indigo and navy and black, which matched the tassels that hung down from his sleeves and the laces of his black leather boots. On his head, he wore a black hat, glittering with more rhinestones and festooned with indigo feathers.

Magnus cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted across the dance floor. “Hey, Project Runway! Nice voidfish outfit!”

Johann raised his eyebrows, and a smile flashed across his face as he kept playing. A few moments later, he drew out the song’s final note and raised his bow with a flourish. The sober dancers remembered to clap, and he switched out his fiddle for a lute and began a new song, taking the opportunity to walk towards Barry, Taako, and Magnus.

“Hey, guys.” Johann looked them over, smirking at Barry’s costume. “Nice.”

Barry grinned at him. “Thanks, Joe-han.”

“You’re welcome,  _ Jerry _ .” Johann rolled his eyes.

Magnus poked at one of the tassels that swung from Johann’s cuffs; Johann scowled and pushed him away with his boot, all without managing to miss a note.

“Oh, wait, you’re dressed up as Taako?” Johann asked suddenly, after a minute or so.

Magnus beamed proudly. “Yeah.”

“Nice.” Johann looked Taako over once more. “Okay, I still don’t get yours, though.”

Taako scoffed. “I’m Judge Lance Ito.”

Johann looked at the other two in speechless confusion, and they shrugged in unison.

“I think he’s from ‘Teevee’, like Taako,” Barry whispered.

“Oh, that’s cool,” Johann replied. “Is that, like, your hometown, or something?”

Taako laughed, and kept going for an obnoxiously long amount of time. “You’re funny sometimes, Johann,” he said, wiping a tear from his eyes.

“Uh, thanks,” Johann said. “I’m gonna go… be somewhere else, other than here, though. See you guys.”

Just as he walked away, Merle staggered, sweating, off the dance floor, rubbing his fake tentacles and looking put out. He nodded at Johann. “What’s up with him?”

Magnus shrugged. “Depression, probably.”

“Huh.” Merle frowned. “It’s hot, and I’m dying. I heard there’s an open bar somewhere.”

Taako was already moving. “Hell yeah. I’m getting something to drink.”

They didn’t have to go far, for of course the drink tent was by the dance floor. The tent’s flaps were tied back with the kind of tinsel ribbons you’d use to wrap a gift, and just inside the entrance was a large wooden counter, balanced on top of a few short stacks of crates. Behind the bar sat a halfling in a tall director’s chair, so that he was actually looking down on the boys as they approached.

“I would like one alcohol, please,” Taako said without a trace of irony. He slammed a few tickets down on the bar’s counter.

The halfling leaned down from his chair, until he almost fell out, but he grabbed onto Barry’s costume to stabilize himself. “I’ve got the choicest potions around on this here moon, guaranteed to get you  _ super _ fucked. What’ll it be?”

“Do you perhaps have a few samples?” Taako asked. 

The halfling winked at him. “Hell yeah.” He hopped down from the chair and dug around in one of the wooden crates for a moment, then extracted a small glass vial full of clear liquid. “Give that a whirl.”

Magnus snatched it up and, in the same smooth motion, quaffed it. It went down like fire, scorching down his throat with a spicy vengeance, and he doubled over coughing. When it was over, he straightened his back, but the world still remained skewed.

“Fast-acting and potent,” the halfling said proudly. 

Magnus leaned heavily on Merle’s head. “H-hey. Hey, guys? Hmmmm… I think I’m about to throw up.”

Merle scrambled to get out from under Magnus’s arm, and Magnus guffawed. “I’mmmmmmmm just kidding,” he slurred. “I think.”

“Yeah, I’ll have a water,” Barry said.

“Me too,” Merle agreed weakly.

Taako pointed a thumb at Magnus. “I’ll have what he’s got.”

The halfling popped back under the counter to dig up their drinks, and kept digging for what felt like ages. The four of them shuffled awkwardly as they waited, the sawdust crunching under their feet. Magnus tried to lean against the bar, and missed, toppling over onto the ground.

When he stopped sputtering, he looked awestruck, and tugged on the hem of Barry’s robes. “Guys, holy shit. The dirt tastes indreckible… incredible on the moon. Why haven’t you let me try it before?”

Taako leaned over the counter. “About those drinks…”

The halfling popped up again, crunching on something. “Sorry, man. I forgot I left my drink down here. You know how it is.” He slid three bottles across the bar and clumsily scooped up their tickets.

“Hey,” he said suddenly. “If you see Mr. Pringles, would you send him over here? I’m starving, but I can’t exactly leave…”

“Sorry, who?” Barry asked.

“You know, the Pringles guy,” the halfling insisted. “Dude, come on. I know you guys are still kinda new, but I’ve totally seen you hanging out. The short gnome guy? He’s, like, real deep undercover, but I’d know that mustache anywhere, you know?” He paused, burped loudly, and snapped his fingers. “I’ll give you an extra potion for it.”

Magnus lurched forward, but Merle managed to get him off-balance and started to drag him backwards. “No can do, pal,” Merle called. 

Taako uncorked one of the bottles and sniffed its contents. He reeled back. “Oh boy. That is  _ strong _ .”

Barry, who had just uncorked another bottle and began to drink, doubled over, coughing and spraying liquid over the ground. “This one’s yours, Taako,” he gasped. “That’s water.”

Merle snickered. “Yeah, all right, tough guy. Maybe you should stick to water, too.”

* * *

After Magnus had sobered up, and Taako started drinking, things started going downhill. Maybe the carnival was winding down, or maybe they just didn’t know how to act in polite company, but in any case, when Taako got them permanently banned from the game alley, they left in search of something to eat.

Magnus followed his nose and led them to what was clearly a fried-foods tent; the canvas itself was stained with grease. As they got closer, the sound of bubbling oil and the smells of a hundred different fried meats washed over them. Taako inhaled deeply.

“Alright, I’ll see you fuckers  _ never _ ,” he stated, sitting down just outside the tent’s entrance. “I live here now.”

Barry tugged on Taako’s arm. “Come on, man, don’t block the door. Don’t be that guy.”

“Hmm, nope.” Taako lay onto his back and tucked his hands behind his head, content. 

Merle and Magnus shrugged, and went inside the tent, leaving Barry to handle it. He squatted down and tried a different approach.

“Aren’t you hungry, Taako?” he coaxed. “Smell that yummy food. You can go get some, but you have to stand up.”

Taako squinted up at him. “I’m not a fucking child, Barrold. Just let me chill, man.” He raised his voice. “Magnus’ll bring me something, right?”

“You got it!” Magnus called out.

He closed his eyes. “You’re not the only one who gets to shit sit out.”

Barry snorted. “I what?”

“You know what I mean,” Taako said. “Gotta admit, man, cowardice looks a lot better on me.”

“Are you afraid of the scary meat tent?” Barry asked.

“This is just…an example.” Taako waved a hand lazily. “It’s a meat tent today, a meat monster tomorrow. Whatever. Taako’s good out here.”

“Davenport!”

Barry looked over to see the gnome standing in front of them, holding an enormous box of cheap sunglasses out at them. He pointed up at the sky.

“Davenport, Davenport!”

Barry reached into the box and pulled out a handful of glasses. “Guess the eclipse is starting soon?” he asked.

Davenport nodded. “Davenport.”

Barry dropped a pair onto Taako’s chest, and he sat up. “Hey, Davenport! I get it now.”

“Davenport?”

He reached up and pulled on Davenport’s mustache. “Prinnn-glessss,” he sang.

Davenport looked at Barry in confusion. “Dav-davenport?”

“Yeah, sorry. He’s drunk.” Barry smacked Taako’s hands away; the elf hissed at him.

“Davenport…” He carried on his task of handing out sunglasses, turning back every few steps to look uncertainly back at Taako.

“Dude,” Taako said, letting his hands rest limply in Barry’s and bringing their faces close together. “How crazy would it be if Davenport was actually, like, a cover or something. It’s the perfect disguise. Beloved simpleton? I don’t think so. He’s  _ actually _ an evil genius.” He looked around wildly, and brought his voice down to a whisper. “Should we tell the director?”

Barry wrinkled his nose at Taako’s breath and pushed him away. “Sure, buddy. As soon as Magnus and Merle get back.”

“So, like, now?” Taako asked.

Merle and Magnus were walking back out of the tent, carrying a few different fried food items. Magnus held out to Taako a wire basket full of small, bite-sized pieces.

“I just had her dredge the pot and get all the bits at the bottom,” he said, taking a bite from one of the fried sticks he carried.

“Oh, hell yeah,” Taako said, making grabby hands for the basket. He dove in, crunching loudly.

“Got something for you, too, Barry,” Merle said, with a suspicious-looking smirk. 

Barry accepted the offered napkin cautiously, but when he unwrapped it, it looked innocent enough. “Oh, funnel cake. Thanks!” he said, taking a bite.

It tasted meaty instead of sweet, which caught him off-guard, and he gagged. “What the fuck?” 

“Hey, watch the tentacles!” Merle shouted, dodging out of the way of the flying gob of half-chewed food. He watched Barry carefully. “How’s it taste?”

Barry frowned, and took another, much smaller, bite. “It’s actually… not bad,” he said in surprise. “It’s--I just--I wasn’t expecting it to be meat. What is it?”

“Kee’ your voice dow’,” Magnus mumbled through a mouthful of food. “‘S appar’ntly, like, ‘llegal.”

“No, I think it was the double-barrelled unicorn blast that was illegal,” Merle said.

Barry stared at them in horror. “What is it?” he repeated.

“Sphruss’.” Magnus laughed, spewing chewed food over Merle.

“It’s… what?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Merle advised, wiping off his face, and a good portion of his makeup with it. He scowled at Magnus. “Come on, man, this took forever.”

Magnus shrugged unapologetically and took another bite.

Around them, they could hear the chattering increase as everyone began to trickle out of the tents towards the dance floor, where they could get a clear view of the sky. The four of them donned their sunglasses and joined the throng.

But something was wrong, right from the beginning. As the second moon edged ever closer to the sun, an earsplitting cacophony rained down on them from all sides. They saw people faint as the sound carried on, unbroken, but the four of them were miraculously safe. The sound was torturously loud, like a thousand symphonies playing at a thousand wrestling matches while hundreds of people screamed and whispered and yelled the stories of their lives all at once. But somehow, they remained conscious.

The eclipse reached its apex, and the sky grew dark as the moon covered up all but the smallest slivers of sun. And in that darkness, millions of bright eyes blossomed, lighting the sky again for just a few seconds, before winking out again. And when they disappeared, the sounds, too, finally stopped.

The boys’ ears rang, as they watched the others in the clearing gradually stir and awaken.

Taako gulped. “Well, that was a sobering experience.” He cracked a grin and cackled. “I’m just kidding. I’m still drunk as hell. Bet you guys wish you were me right now, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [okay but tell me davenport doesn't look like the pringles guy here](http://chatchevalier.tumblr.com/post/162992923366/insertdisc5-davenport).


End file.
